The Hole, fín.

*Editor's note: I'm the worst blogger in the world. Please accept my sincerest apologies as I try to update my ass off***


3/26
Today they moved everyone to different cells. We got moved to a three-man cell which has a bunk over the small metal desk. While we won't have three people living here (thank fucking god!) it cuts the amount of "free space" (what an oxymoron!) in half. It is already causing a great deal of tension between my celly and I. I can't stand the childish ignorance he spews out of that broken faucet he calls his mouth, and it's only getting worse.
On Monday, the guard told three inmates, including myself, "pack up, you're going home" (ie back from whence we came - in my case, camp). They took two of the guys, but left me here. When I asked, the shift change had just come on, so no one knew what I was talking about. Tuesday, the guard from Monday asked why I was still there, I told him I had no clue. By the day's end, I had no answers and a growing concern about my status. Wednesday, I asked a different guard what was going on and he said that the captain (who has final say on where I end up) said he had to ask the SIS investigator a question before making his decision. The guard alluded to the SIS lady being out for the rest of the week, so naturally my hope of being freed from here starts next week. Tuesday the 30th will mark a whole month of being here, one week shy of balancing with the five weeks i was in camp. In a strange way with the exception of this week, the time has gone by relatively fast in here. I think it's partly because I spend almost 12 hours sleeping, but who knows?
The only upside to this information is it tells me which way the investigation is heading - I just wish it would hurry the fuck up.

3/30
Here I sit, four weeks to the day since my arrival, and yet again I am not being transferred back to camp. Yesterday, the camp administrator told me I should be leaving by Tuesday at the latest, yet here I sit. Difference between this week's and last week's news is the title and rank of the camp administrator, which implies the information should be true and accurate. After all, the camp is his domain and he answers only to one man, the warden. Whereas last week my info was from low-level CO, it was reckless to get my hopes up again, but it's hard not to considering the source.
My frustrations have continued to build since the arrival of my assailant to this floor. He talks about the incident freely, as if cheap shotting someone is some great feat to gloat about. Today I over-heard him (you have to yell out your cell door to each other to talk) saying how even he is surprised he hasn't been charged. He said the evidence against him was so overwhelming and accurate, he didn't even try to lie to the SIS lady. I'm skeptical about the last statement, but given what I do know, I am slightly inclined to believe the first statement. Which makes me question, Why is this taking so long? How can the BOP justify their actions these past two weeks? Why am I still being punished. Man, this shit just wears me out.
In other news, my celly suddenly got word today that he is being transferred out. A small ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak month. It's hard to say how much longer I would have been able to tolerate his seemingly infinite ignorance. The downside is, of course, the gamble of dealing with an all new personality. It is inevitable that they will do so, only a matter of time. If I had my way, I wouldn't have a roomy. If I was forced to pick one, I'd choose a deaf mute who sleeps 23.5 hours a day. One can dream, can't he?

4/1
I wish I didn't write that last post until later that night or the next day, as yet again I have allowed myself to become a victim of their disinformation. I swear they are as bad as the Nazi party in their heyday at spreading false truths, and I'm so naïve, I keep buying into the bullshit. Let me explain: After sending the last letter expressing some optimism in my situation due to the information I received from a man of significant authority, I was informed by a simple, low-level counselor that the investigation has taken a big step backwards. She said I should expect to be in here another 2 - 4 weeks, as the captain wants the investigation to start all over. So again, I'm left completely in the dark, with no hope in sight.
Another revelation on the subject I learned today is that my assailant did lie to the SIS. He claims I pushed him. That is his reasoning for hitting me, despite what he tells everyone here in the hole. Obviously he is trying to cover up for his cowardly move because he knows people just won't put up with unprovoked attacks. So again, my innocence can only be proven from the witnesses. I thought that when I was originally told to pack out on the 22nd, three weeks into investigation, that surely the evidence in my favor was overwhelming - that's the only reason I could be going home so soon. Now it feels like I'm starting over, like I just walked into the hole for the first time. It's ironic considering it was one year ago to the day that I was first arrested -I had many questions and zero answers.
It's a shame I never got around to posting the letters I wrote during those few days I was locked up after being arrested. I do remember one detail quite vividly about my first court date on April 1st, 2009. That was my total shock at realizing I was facing the feds, not the state. I realized it as soon as the judge said "The United States Government vs. G******* D***." I turned to my lawyer and said "Oh shit, this is federal, huh?" He gravely nodded in reply. I honestly had no clue until that moment how much shit I was in. Anyway, it's certainly not a date worth celebrating. It is, however, currently worth reflecting on because it really only seems like that happened a few months ago. In time, this whole process will be reflected on the same way - over in the blink of an eye.
Anyway, I did get a new celly. Not a bad guy at all. It could always be worse, but not this round. He is (or was) the assistant credit smart teacher from the second attempt on the class. I had only one class with him as I was tossed in the hole two days before my second session. I thought he looked familiar, but I just couldn't place it until we got to BS'ing. He is getting a bad break in my opinion, but I genuinely feel he will come out on top and ride out his situation unscathed.
Alright, I'm done now, and as I know things - so will you.

The Hole, pt 2

3-16
Ever wonder what a mental institute might sound like, day-to-day? Hell, I'd bet everything I got that this is damn close to it. I remember bitching about the nightly animal noises in J-1 in my first week or so of posts, but this place can't hold a candle to it. The constant wailing and guttural screams of inmates reverberate throughout the SHU. I don't know if it's out of sheer boredom or something more chemical, but they are ever vigilant in their screaming. It is really starting to get to me as I can't seem to tune it out. I am sure it's something akin to living in a zoo, which is also a great analogy to make. Weekly we get some random suit-and-tie sticking his fat face in our tiny door windows. I am surprised they don't serve them popcorn or hand out brochures outlining our histories, as these visits seem to be the entertainment of the unknown suit - yet most likely, they are here by contractual obligation.
What sucks even more is that this situation really brings out the pessimist in me. As I've said, I could be here ninety days before I find out my fate and up to another ninety days awaiting transfer, should that be the case. It's harder yet as I watch Spring arriving, taunting me with some of the nicest-looking weather in months. I can even see people from camp out making the most of their days, relishing every minute of it. Believe me, I was soaking it up prior to this, never wasting away a single day. There were so many things to focus myself on, I couldn't afford to ignore them for a moment. Life in a fucking shoebox is no life at all, just a fuckin' illusion...

The Hole, pt 1

*Editor's note: many apologies for the delay in posts, all. I have been receiving hand-written letters, and have little time to transcribe. So today please enjoy a series of posts from the last few weeks.*

It may not come as much of a surprise to you that when I vent, I go all out. I will use "colourful" language to emphasize my extreme disgust of any particular situation I deem necessary, in order to fully convey my feelings on the matter.
Today I was pulled aside by a CO and strongly warned about my "colourful" conversation with my brother yesterday evening. He asked if I had a problem with staff, and I said yes. I don't appreciate the lip service I've been getting from other CO's since my arrival, I don't like the direct insults from these same CO's because the moment you stand up for yourself verbally, they will write you a 'shot' (infraction). Not to mention how they have an opinion on my current allegations - insinuating I am getting what I deserve, despite the fact that it is still under investigation. I barely got through speaking my rebuttal when he told me to shut up. He asked me if I knew my phone and mail correspondences are monitored and recorded and I said yes. Then he asked me how the specific staff members would feel if informed of my opinions. I replied that it was irrelevant seeing as how I was merely venting to a family member, adding that I have been nothing less than courteous and respectful to ALL STAFF, despite constant belittlement - a fact backed up by my absence of 'shots' for insolence toward staff. He didn't really acknowledge anything I said, but he wrapped up our conversation with a very simple message: keep it up, and we will drag our feet on this investigation and ship you outta here, no questions asked. I was shocked, but the message was clear: we got you by the short 'n' curlies, rock the boat and we will drown you.
Appalling, yes, but does it matter? No. Any staff's words, when weighed against an inmate's, is solid and infallible. They have absolute power, arguing against them is an exercise in futility. We really don't have any rights here, despite the illusion they project.
I said what I said because I am in a mental and emotional vice here and simply needed to vent and let it out. I didn't threaten any staff, security, or civility of this or any BOP facility, talk in code, or engage in any other forbidden endeavors. I thought I was exercising my 1st amendment rights to freely express my opinion, but as I am learning, I don't even get that dignity. Again, no point in arguing it. In fact, I concede from all matters of conflict within the BOP, as it is a battle I can not win.
So as not to perpetuate my miserable existence here any further, I will close with this statement: "The BOP staff here are top-notch, fair and balanced individuals, who command nothing but my utmost respect and reverence for their constant dedication to helping reform and guide us lost souls to a bright and fruitful future"